____ March 2004

THE HALF-WAY HOUSE
____ March 2004

1.
Dearest:
And finally, I took a decision, not the most sensible one but it's the only choice I truly have. Before I continue, I wanted to show you the cards that Aine read for me a couple of months ago when I asked her about you, she made a celtic cross? You know I don't really understand this, it was always Aine and you the ones who were involved in this things that I at most find interesting:
1.-Interest: 2 of cups // 2.- Obstacles: Ace of cups // 3.- Knight of cups //4.- Thoughts and Feelings: The Sun // 5.-Past: 6 of cups // 6.- Immediate Future: 6 of swords // 7.- Attitude towards the question: Queen of swords // 8.-Influence of other people: 5 of swords // 9.- Hopes and Fears: Ace of Disks// 10.- Final Result: 9 of disks.

THE HALF-WAY HOUSE

2.
So I don remember what it meant exactly but I do remember that what she said made perfect sense in that moment and I wrote down the spread because I thougth that you would be able to make sense out it. Blunt, it was very blunt.
And now that we have seen that play together the other thursday (Pinter's my favourite) I think this is my line to disappear. I don't know for how long, you know things are difficult for me to cope with and it takes me time so I decided I would step for as many months as it shall be necessary.
As I have already told you (in the pub, while playing pool), this is not easy for me and is not doing me any good and the truth is that the first time we talked about it (November?) I used a lot of understatements from which I apologise, and by attraction what I really meant was that I'm head over feet

THE HALF-WAY HOUSE

3.
and the thing is that with you everything ocurred backwards. Generally I don't made friends with people I fall in love with and I don't fall in love with friends. But your case was different and when I think about it, it seems nothing but logical that I ended up in love with you. You became very important in no time, you did not move from my side when I was going through it and I was fragile then and you helped me making me constant company

THE HALF-WAY HOUSE

4.
and I noticed that you did it with honest and real worry. Sometimes, when I think in those days I'm sorry that you met me when my mind was at its weakest point and I think "It would've been so much fair if you had met me sane" but then again, I would not be sane if it weren't for your help, your company and love. Believe me when I say that there is a big possibility that I owe you my life.

THE HALF-WAY HOUSE

5.
So, after all what you have done for me, it is not only understandable but it is only fair that I fell in love with you. And while I'm writing this letter and exchanging lyrics with you by e-mail I feel sad that I shall not see you anymore in a long time. I will miss you horribly because I love you as a friend, because you make me a little bit happy and because I know you love me too.

THE HALF-WAY HOUSE

6.
But I lost this battle of willpower and I cannot anymore hold this feeling of sickness that feel when you don't correspond me, when I think of the chance that you are with someone else and it is not fair for you that I become and obstacle for you and it is not fair for me to go through this pain, I didn't choose to fall in love with you after all but that doesn't make that I stop feeling that way towards you.
And so I disappear, writing on napkins with crummy eyes, in love and heartbroken.

THE HALF-WAY HOUSE

7.
I'll keep on loving you, but I need to start loving you without feeling like shit about it and not being in love with you anymore. I promise I'll do my best, I truly love you after all. Time to wave goodbye now.
I'll miss you, I love you and I will never ask for forgiveness for doing so again.
Please, accept this hug.
Tristram.